Today makes it 10

Today marks the 10th death anniversary of my eldest brother. I still can’t believe that it’s been a decade since he passed away. But, no matter how much time has passed, I can still remember practically everything from how the news was told to me, to the day we buried my brother.

It was exactly just a month after my 13th birthday. I was still living in Jeddah at the time and my brother had left for Philippines the previous week. I remember how at the middle of the day at class, I was called over by my section adviser to get my things because I was leaving early. It was around noon or a little past noon. Then I saw my dad with my youngest brother, we left for the car and headed straight home. He didn’t tell us why we were going home so early and I didn’t bother to ask at the time.

When we got home, my mom was sitting at the dining table. She told me and my brother to eat, and so we did. It was after eating that they told us the news and that we were going back to the Philippines that very night. I don’t remember much about that day. All I remember is that I did everything I could to hold back my tears. I slept through the nearly everything from the plane to Philippines and the car ride from the airport to the house.

Then, I saw my brother inside the casket. Immediately I went to my parents room where my other siblings were waiting. And I just poured my soul out. I couldn’t believe that someone so close to me had passed away. I couldn’t believe that I just saw him joking around with me and my family no more than two weeks ago. I couldn’t believe that we would forever be, incomplete as a family.

It felt like the world around me had stopped at that time. Everyone had their own way of coping with the situation. And my way, let’s just say I kept things to myself. I couldn’t even look directly inside the casket, because I was afraid that the image of seeing someone I hold dear to me was inside a casket, just waiting to be buried, that that image would haunt me for the rest of my life.

Even till now, I rarely open up about the painful things that I keep locked away somewhere inside me. I do this regularly just because I don’t want to burden the people around me. That my problems would seem insignificant or rather, small compared to theirs.

Maybe, that’s why I’m so open to listening to people and their problems. Because I don’t want them to feel the same way I did back then. All held up and afraid to let people know how I really felt. I just hid behind the superficial image and went with the flow.

I’m 23 now, and I know that there are more challenges ahead of me and others. But, sometimes I wonder how different our lives would be if he had not passed away when he did. We’ll never know those things. All I do know is that I miss him and my family.

It isn’t easy, to lose someone, emotionally or physically. And I don’t think there will come a time where it will be easy. And now, all that I have to say is, enjoy the time you have, especially with the people you hold dear to you. No matter who they are and where they are. We will never know when we will lose those dear to us, that said, find time to spend it with them.